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Brace yourself to take a deep dive of my thoughts which involve different waves of emotions. I rarely write these days. Partly because I try hard not to embrace my inner demon and also I have my other online diary which happens to be my twitter. Here is when I wish to write more than 140 characters. I ain't no Lang Leav, but we sure share the same emotions. ;) email me at najmiezamrose@yahoo.com

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Self reminder

Do not let people control your life. Do what you wanna do. Think of your own consequences and if you are all aware of the risks and don't mind to fail, go ahead. Stop letting people influenced your mind with their perceptions and their "i think you...". Just in case you are having doubts with your decision, ask only one person that you can really trust and rely on. I can't tell you the person because it may be different from my type of shoulder to cry on.  The person that will make you feel better about yourself. The person that helps you to clear the path and not the person who makes path for you. Always have faith in yourself and know your limit. Do not always stay in your comfort zone and as well as not to go beyond what you are capable of. Unless if you are trying to challenge yourself in a good way. I am suddenly writing this is to convince myself that, at the end of the day, the decision is yours and it is your right to decide your own path. You can take the path that is less taken or maybe you want to follow the crowd. It all depends on you. You may come to a point in live where everything is just wrong and you seem to regret all the decisions you made, but get yourself together. Pick yourself up. Coz if you don't, nobody will and you will be drifted away in regrets. So yeah wtv... 

Monday, September 29, 2014

Stupid little things

People always say that I am a boy stuck in a girl's body but truth is they know nothing. I am not even that. I am just a girl that wants to be treated like a respectable lady, not just "those kind of girl" but instead I wanna be "that girl". I swore myself not to lower my standard just to be with a guy that only brings me down. I am aware that the prettiest girl get the most hearts, but that is alright because I don't want many hearts...all I ever wanted is to share with only one soul. That would be enough for me. One soul that won't make me feel like I am competing with other girls just to grab his attention. No I can't, I am a loser when it comes to competing or winning someone's heart. I wish someday I'll be with someone who can ensure me that I'll not lose him to other girls. 

Just like other girls, I love the attention, the love, the appreciation, the pat on the head, goodbye kisses or what so ever. But not now. Not until I finally found the only guy. Because you might call me the lame girl, but truly I only believe in true love only after marriage. What's the point of spending so much time together, share too much feelings with someone who are not yet yours?

It would be a lie, if not once I envy those people who spend time and do everything together but come to think of it, I should envy more on those happily married couples. They can do whatever they want because the one in front of the is surely theirs already. Isn't that lovely to be able to pour all the feelings onto someone you will spend the rest of your life with. Oh well.

Hopefully someone out there is meant for me....

Friday, September 5, 2014

IN PROGRESS OF FINDING MY HAPPINESS...AS FOR NOW YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO COME NEAR ME..BECAUSE I AM SO MUCH IN ANGER THAT NOT A DAY I WAKE UP WISHING ANYONE A GOOD MORNING...

This ain't just ordinary blog...

This blog has always been like a journal to me. I'm opening myself here like an open book. Not to let everyone knows, but to let it all out. Doesn't matter if no one is reading because what really matter is I am able to find a way to express the feelings that feel like the pain in the ass. I used to write letters to sum up my problems and later will burn it all up. But due to the current environmental awareness campaign, I have stopped. So here I am writing everything not to be judged but again, simply because I found peace by doing this. 

And yes I did try this "buddy system" where you find someone to talk to but you know, people sometimes don't respond the way you want them to. Most of the time, I just want someone to share my problem with because talking to myself might seems awkward, but some advises are not acceptable. No offence to anyone, just my personal thought. In here, I get to say what I want to say without worrying about hurting anyone's feeling. Unless if they read this and assumed that I wrote anything related to them. Because really I don't. So yeah. That's for now.

everybody has those days....

One day, I just like to sit and figure out what type of person I really wanna be. Am I those people who care more for themselves or more for other people. BUT I don't want to be neither both. Can I be the best out of both people? I don't want to look selfish or neither am I want to look foolish. But how is that even possible. I am no good in making decisions. Whatever I decided, will always turn out to be bad for me or people around me. I have always living in a dilemma. 

I want to do good with people but I have a very low tolerance with people. They can't stand me, I can't stand them, then it is time for any of us to leave. That is one thing about it. I let people come and go as they wish to do. I unintentionally hurt people every time they come close. Like every fucking time. So the only way to avoid that from happening is to keep my distance away from people which I fail to do. I believe sometimes we just wanna be alone and to which I can relate because I have always enjoy my time alone but truth is, that is the time where my mind runs wild. In which sometimes will affect my emotion, my imbalance emotion. Done.

Question :

Why am I always the one to be hurting people?

The funny thing is I have no intention of doing so but I am always the one to be blamed. Anyone care to tell me if I did anything wrong that everyone keeps on turning their back from me? I have no power or neither do I have anything to stop anyone from leaving but people keep on walking away from me. Damn you feelings, why do you even care to appear now. 

I've been trying to control the situation when everything is just wrong and falling apart. Presumably, everyone might have their own problems but mine it seems like they are never going to end. One after another. Gosh I don't even know where to start or what's my point anymore. 

People might not notice it, but it is proven that physical or emotional damage can change people into someone different. The proof? Let's just take a moment and look at our surrounding. Aren't those bullies are people who were once bullied in school? May be yes, because they took the easy way out to prevent from being bullied again. (mula merepek) But surely, different people have different problems. In my case, the only valid solution is to suck it up and deal with it. True. So stop it Najmie.