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Brace yourself to take a deep dive of my thoughts which involve different waves of emotions. I rarely write these days. Partly because I try hard not to embrace my inner demon and also I have my other online diary which happens to be my twitter. Here is when I wish to write more than 140 characters. I ain't no Lang Leav, but we sure share the same emotions. ;) email me at najmiezamrose@yahoo.com

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I really really liked you but you didn't even know. If only you knew, we can be together forever. I promise I'll be a girl for you and still be a guy for other friends. But that is only, if you knew. But you didn't and I just gotta stay masculine till the day you figured it out that I will and can only be feminine for you. You lost something you didn't know you had. Our lost. Now I shall be masculine as always. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

#icrieveritaime

Emotional reading material. Do not read, you'll puke !

So yeah, here I am about to write some pathetic essay about my pathetic relationships I have with people around me. Let it be romantic relationship, friendship or bloodship (is that even a word?). I don't know if I am any good in any of that listed ships. I guess I don't easily go along very well with people but once I'm comfortable, I wouldn't mind to spare some time for these people. Sadly, Im always stuck with false hope relationships. and yet people still ask me the same question "why are you very secretive?" "why can't you trust me?" whattt?! It's because the things I have experienced that turned me into this. oh k....

I know I am not the type of girl people would date and I am okay with that. But people always mistaken me with the one who goes around dating every guy. Bitch, I'm not even hot to start with. And I am not even good with words or body gestures to be that attractive or flirty. Guy friends, maybe but not more than that. Some of them even call me their bro. Yes, like the rest of the other people, I've been bro-zoned by many people. But that is not the issue here. Never was.

You know, sometimes too many friends equals to, too many enemies. Maybe that is why I have a very small circle of people. You'll see me with the same group of people every time. There are only a few people I can really rely on. And also because people leave. Whenever I am close to someone or getting comfortable with them, they'll leave without telling me why. It is always the same excuse "no I did not leave you, maybe you are over-thinking it" oh please, tell me again I am wrong..

Okay, it is hard for me to understand, why people try so hard to gain someone's trust just to break them at the end? Is it fun to make fun of people who trusted you? Is it satisfying to make people believe with empty promises? Shit I can't brain this insanity. Truth is, what's in my mind is greater than what I have written. Far greater than what I have spoken. My mind has a mind on its own. damn you mind ! 

Its three fucking am in the morning. I need to sleep. My devilish mind is keeping me awake. oh no. 
Here's to everyone that has no interest in holding grudge to anyone. Oh well, as we grow up, we meet many kinds of people from the kindest to the meanest. I have come to a point of life where I refuse to let other people's judgments shape my mind. We can't avoid the habit of judging and also judgmental people. The best thing to do is to let them say whatever they want because we all do that, we all judge people from the first meeting without really knowing the person (sorry).
 Anyway, back to my first point, grudge. You know, whenever people hurt us emotionally or physically but we are incapable of fighting back, it hurts. It will automatically mark a scar in the heart for keeping it to ourselves. It makes us not to forgive the person who caused us the trouble and teach us to hold vengeance, which is a very negative thing to do. 
 As for me, I often teach myself not to let people hurt me that way. I would prefer to settle things once in for all. I really think it is unhealthy to let yourself keep the anger or grudge within you. It will eventually eat you inside and make you unhappy. I am now teaching myself to look for things that can bring me happiness instead of thinking about the things I regret or the things I should have done in the past. Truth is, I can't change my past,not that I don't want to but nobody can. So might as well I give my best for the present that will determine my future.
Hopefully whenever I apologize to someone for my mistakes, they will forgive me and no longer mad at me for I may have hurt them in a way I don't realize. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Finally I come out positively..

I have learnt that no matter how many days of hardship I have to go through, it takes only one brighter day to make me move on from the bitter chapter. I have always been a negative person that tries so hard to be positive. Now I can't tell if I am a positive or a negative person. I have created my own version of split personality in which I can be kind at one point but suddenly change into a horrible person when something trigger me. Believe me, everyone has that moment in life when they just feel like shutting down from the world and hate everyone. No? Okay maybe it is only me. 

I taught my self to be tough and to walk away from anything that no longer serves its main purpose to me. It is easier that way. It is not like I am running away but more like, "you know what, this thing is going no where, so I had enough it is time for me to walk away". When you need to stop, you just have to stop from being carried away. I read somewhere it tells me that when you meet a person it can only be two reasons. It could be for a lesson or a blessing. Either one, it will change a part of your life. 

Having my dear friends and family is more than enough for me to grow stronger each day. What more could I ask for when I already have the greatest companies in university and greatest family to support me throughout the days. These people are the reason that keep me going on. Struggles and sleepless nights are normal things to me already. In fact, it has turned into my habit to sleep very late at night. Maybe because I always do things on the very last minute. The lesson that I have never learnt. On top of everything, I am still trying to keep myself busy, distracting myself from remembering things that are not supposed to be remembered. For all you know, the somber days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and finally it is already the end of the semester. Yayyy end of story. 

My deterioration in writings....

I wonder if people still blog these days. You know, sometimes when you can no longer see people updating their blog and you barely write anything on your blog, blogging seems so undesirable. For me, I would occasionally write whenever I feel like writing and most of the time I'll write during night hours because that is the only perfectly quiet time to write. Sometimes I just feel like writing about what I was like during my younger days. But then again, I would prefer to verbally tell you those stories because it will take hours for me to finish. Maybe someday I can write a book about myself (if only anyone is interested to know) HAHA. 

Blogging has never been so much fun compared to the day when I first started blogging. The only device I had, to go online, was my dad's laptop which most of the time will be kept with him. I have to quietly tip-toed into his study room to take his laptop and take it to my room. I only had few hours to go online before dawn, because that was when his alarm will wake him up. Not once that I can remember I was caught using his laptop. It was the old school notebook, but very useful for me at that time. 

Now with too many social medias, blogging is no longer interesting to some people. Except for the place to spread cheap rumors or as gossiping sites. Pathetic, I know. But that is what blogs serve for nowadays. I don't think anyone would read my blog because mostly I only talk about myself. Just like what is written on my top page. More like my personal diary but at the same time it is open for anyone to read. But I am still trying to fix my writing skill as it becomes more harder than it seems. The more I learn to write, the more mistakes I make. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Letter to the authority, perhaps?

You know the best place to find weird people? The public transport ! In my case it got to be the train or to be exact, the KTM. Because most of the time, I'll take KTM (not by my choice) to travel to places. If you wanna see the real people living in your country, go take a ride on the train. You'll meet the most unexpected species of human there. The numb-nuts, the douche, the selfish prick, the good guy, the most charming people, the most bitter look and etc...You'll be surprised with what you are living with. The fun part is when you meet random people you can talk to while waiting for the train. Just a simple empty conversation. But most of the time, you'll prefer to put your ear piece on and not to give a damn about the surroundings. 

I had to travel to work using the KTM and it was no fun at all. Most of the time, I had to wait more than half an hour for the train which costed me waste of a lot of time. But to be honest, KTM helps me a lot during my working days.  I am glad that they have the ladies coach for the safety of the ladies. But when you are travelling during the peak hours, those divided coaches will not be able to separate the ladies with the men. And it will be nasty and sticky, that I can ensure you. I always wonder what it feels like to travel with train in other place. I mean, other people in other country seem to appreciate their public transports more than the Malaysian do. Maybe because of the punctuality of the public transports. Unlike the one we have here and yes I am complaining :p Still hoping that one day they'll upgrade their services which will give people like me a more convenience transport. Okay maybe I'll write to the authority someday...