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Brace yourself to take a deep dive of my thoughts which involve different waves of emotions. I rarely write these days. Partly because I try hard not to embrace my inner demon and also I have my other online diary which happens to be my twitter. Here is when I wish to write more than 140 characters. I ain't no Lang Leav, but we sure share the same emotions. ;) email me at najmiezamrose@yahoo.com

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Guilty as charged

I am guilty of ignoring the kindness that are given to me by some people. I am guilty of not giving chance for anyone to get to know me. I am guilty of being a heartless asshole. Call me whatever you want. Judge me as much as you want. But I know what I've been through before I met all of these people. I've been through experiences that taught me to be on my own and to become an independent person. I refuse to show my weakness and I refuse to let anyone takes advantage on me. I've been called heartless for so many times by so many people. I honesty think I am too. People are quick to judge things they don't understand or things they never knew before. I won't blame them for that because I am like that too. Its my fault too for not sharing whatever in my mind with anyone. But that's just me try to deal with myself. I won't complain things people do to me as I know I did the same too. As a person, I can be utterly useless as I don't contribute as much as I should as a friend, a daughter and a company. I can be extremely talkative and the opposite character as how and when I want to. I am very selective with people I hangout with or talk to. I don't mind smiling to stranger but preferably to walk with my head down to avoid any unneeded eye contact. I can be very sensitive to random things I cant name of. Things I don't expect that can touch my heart but you'll see me holding my breath trying not to fall on my knee.  I've been caught off guard by many unexpected situation. Even little things can suddenly trigger my emotion. I be fully incapable of showing any expression despite of whatever situations. You can never tell when I'm sad or when I'm happy. I can do that and I've done that too many times that people can barely tell what's going on my head. I don't understand myself either. I've been told not to build my wall too high but I am out of control. Maybe someday, somewhere, someone would be able to break my defence and only then we'll know the true colour of me. As for now, I'll carry on my own life and will try to make the best out of it. 

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