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Brace yourself to take a deep dive of my thoughts which involve different waves of emotions. I rarely write these days. Partly because I try hard not to embrace my inner demon and also I have my other online diary which happens to be my twitter. Here is when I wish to write more than 140 characters. I ain't no Lang Leav, but we sure share the same emotions. ;) email me at najmiezamrose@yahoo.com

Saturday, October 22, 2016

3 Am Thoughts

"After all, you don't have to be good enough for anyone, Najmie"

The fear of not being good enough for anyone has gotten into me. I have to admit, I've grown up to be a very fickle minded person and indecisive woman. I tend to look into extra details before making any decision. Hence, that makes me over-think most of the time. Sounds like a perfectionist huh? But sadly I am not. I rely too much on myself that I'm becoming obsessed with the idea of not needing anyone to know what I'm going through or anyone to share my happy/sad stories with. That's just pathetic ain't it?

 I mean what's the point? I always ended up hurting myself or people around me when I've decided on something. I would normally take longer time to decide but somehow it makes not much difference. I still make less desirable decision. Maybe I'm only good at fucking things up? That happened before not once but too many times that I have lost count. 

I believe I see life differently than most people. Reality isn't as sweet as movies and movies are nothing like real life. There are so much pressure having to live the life as how I foresee. I've created so many questions in my head that none can be answered in which will continue to stack up.

Note to self

"You're a cheerful girl, don't let your emotional period drown you"
I've been reminded again and again with the same message by different people.  This has got to be quite obvious then. I guess at times I'm just trying to deny some tough period in life. I mean I can be happy in an instant and a second later, I feel like I'm in the deepest darkest hole. To be honest, my life is entirely fine and I am pretty clear of where I'm heading to. It's pretty normal to think about what happened in the past and what might happen in the future that sometimes you just forgot to appreciate  the present. In my case, I mostly think about everything at one time which sometimes make me unnecessarily feel disturbed by these thoughts. While I have so many good things to look up to, I choose to go back in time with the "how I wish" and think further of "what if". I wouldn't say I'm depressed, what more to say I'm in a deep shit but all these additional thoughts keep me awake at night and daydreaming during the day.
"Cmon Najmie, this is so unlike you!" 

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Lost in my thoughts

I mean no harm to people. But thats what I do best, I guess. I've seen several events that I wish would not happen. If only I took different approach, bad things might not happen. I always think that I can handle things better than anyone else, but God has proven me wrong. Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself and to people around me. My habit of pushing people away has finally got me on my knees. I pushed the wrong people and I regret it only when it is already too late. When people have given up on you, there's nothing much you can do, really. Lesson learnt. Now the only thing should be done is to toughen up and get myself together. No one really gives a shit anymore. Why should you, Najmie? Next time when you think of doing something, fucking think about it hundred times. In fact, more than that. 

"Find serendipity, and peace of mind shall be yours."

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Dead mind

I have so much to say and a lot of things going on my head that shouldn't be in there at the first place. I can't explain and even if I could, no one seems to understand. Maybe I'm better off alone. To a place no one will ever find me. To a place no one will ever question my every decision. That way, maybe I won't be a problem to anyone and no one will be mine. Gosh, I wish I'm brave enough to share my anxiety with a person. A person who would listen without judging. I keep wondering why and how but I am yet to find the solution. Sigh.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

I've never felt like this before. I mean why now? Why now when I'm supposed to live my life and be happy? 

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Can't run, fucking face it

It's really difficult to be me right now. I wouldn't know how to explain and nobody will ever be able to understand the state I'm currently in. I don't see it as a symptom of bipolar. Maybe not to that extend. But somehow I'm slowly becoming emotionally unstable and more anxious over a lot of things. Truth is, I don't handle stress very well. I don't accept self failure openly. I want to be more than I am today but it feels like, the more I'm trying to prove myself, the harder it gets. And I'm not even exaggerating. Sigh, if only I can be a lot more stronger than I already am. 

On a different note, I still believe that "God will never give you more than you can handle". Time to see how far it goes till I've finally reached my limit. 

Friday, January 15, 2016

Mindless mind

Been going through a lot of changes lately. Like it or not, everyone will need to go through different phases of live. It may vary by the paces taken by an individual. Some people might went through years back and some may have to face it somewhere in the future. Unlike me, this is my current situation. The emotionally unstable and disoriented mind tend to take control over me. When it should be the other way around, I lose possession to myself. I wish I could tell what it really feels like. But honestly,  it is something even myself can't figure. The tendency to isolate myself and being surrounded by people, hit me all at once. I can be the happiest by just staying in bed all day and sad at the same time for things I missed out while in bed. Complicated? You tell me.....

Sunday, January 3, 2016

"These feelings I got for the past few weeks are very disturbing. I really shouldnt be bothered but I can't help it. It seems like poising my head over and over again. I would love to have a long break from deeply immerse into these uncanny feelings. "