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Brace yourself to take a deep dive of my thoughts which involve different waves of emotions. I rarely write these days. Partly because I try hard not to embrace my inner demon and also I have my other online diary which happens to be my twitter. Here is when I wish to write more than 140 characters. I ain't no Lang Leav, but we sure share the same emotions. ;) email me at najmiezamrose@yahoo.com

Saturday, October 22, 2016

3 Am Thoughts

"After all, you don't have to be good enough for anyone, Najmie"

The fear of not being good enough for anyone has gotten into me. I have to admit, I've grown up to be a very fickle minded person and indecisive woman. I tend to look into extra details before making any decision. Hence, that makes me over-think most of the time. Sounds like a perfectionist huh? But sadly I am not. I rely too much on myself that I'm becoming obsessed with the idea of not needing anyone to know what I'm going through or anyone to share my happy/sad stories with. That's just pathetic ain't it?

 I mean what's the point? I always ended up hurting myself or people around me when I've decided on something. I would normally take longer time to decide but somehow it makes not much difference. I still make less desirable decision. Maybe I'm only good at fucking things up? That happened before not once but too many times that I have lost count. 

I believe I see life differently than most people. Reality isn't as sweet as movies and movies are nothing like real life. There are so much pressure having to live the life as how I foresee. I've created so many questions in my head that none can be answered in which will continue to stack up.

Note to self

"You're a cheerful girl, don't let your emotional period drown you"
I've been reminded again and again with the same message by different people.  This has got to be quite obvious then. I guess at times I'm just trying to deny some tough period in life. I mean I can be happy in an instant and a second later, I feel like I'm in the deepest darkest hole. To be honest, my life is entirely fine and I am pretty clear of where I'm heading to. It's pretty normal to think about what happened in the past and what might happen in the future that sometimes you just forgot to appreciate  the present. In my case, I mostly think about everything at one time which sometimes make me unnecessarily feel disturbed by these thoughts. While I have so many good things to look up to, I choose to go back in time with the "how I wish" and think further of "what if". I wouldn't say I'm depressed, what more to say I'm in a deep shit but all these additional thoughts keep me awake at night and daydreaming during the day.
"Cmon Najmie, this is so unlike you!"